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vs.the Squirrels
Skuntry Squirrel II: The Vandal The Village of South Floral Park, New York. -- Anyone familiar with skuntry history knows the mythic Skuntry Squirrel that founding skuntry band Enormous Richard (ER) found floating in a Wayne, N.J., swimming pool while on tour in the mid-90s and subjected to a classic Polaroid series and far more philosophical import than the mammal's small frame could possibly bear.
It is reported today that a new Skuntry Squirrel has burst on the scene -- call him Skuntry Squirrel II: The Vandal -- by breaking and entering into the Skuntry Shack and Museum here and knocking many historic skuntry documents to the floor, including the copy of the ER newsletter Popular Dickhead that was autographed by Ray Manzarek, formerly of the Doors, and a fishing hat creased with the shape of Pops Farrar's head. "It was kind of harrowing," said museum curator Chris King. "I noticed that this little beady drape had fallen. I saw some movement. I opened the museum, which was locked, and saw nothing. At first. Then I noticed the documents and exhibits on the floor. I noticed a hole in the ceiling that I had seen before, but saw it was larger now. And then I heard a rumble and saw a flash of the little grey bastard." As it was dark, and King is a coward, he fled. All this happened moments ago. To the best of his knowledge, the marauder is still at large in the museum. "It's cold outside," King noted, "and a little warmer inside the museum. And I know one thing. Where there are squirrels, there is squirrel shit. I'm just real upset right now and in dire need of some carpentry. We have to block out the vandal before he destroys our history."
Wayne, NJ. -- In response to a recent report of rodent infestation in the hallowed Skuntry Shack and Museum (formerly known as "a Shed called Skuntry"), the Scalpel has announced that he plans to make a house call, and travel to South Floral Park to rid the edifice of its new resident. And who is this mystery man called "the Scalpel?" He is none other than Josey Esser (formerly known as "Spanky"). On the occasion of a boozy, yet incisive explanation to Cambridge skunk-brother Mark Walter of why his apology for being who he is was unnecessary and contrary to the true nature of Skuntry kinship, Esser was yclepped "the Scalpel" by Chris King (formerly, and still, known as "Brother Dog"). "Spanky is dead. You are now the Scalpel," King proclaimed, as the three men stood in a narrow hallway, blocking traffic to the beer keg at a Cambridge Christmas party. With one exception, Esser has remained true to his new identity in the month that has followed that fateful night. "I reverted back to Spanky mode for a day, shortly after New Year's, when I caught the stomach bug that had hit the rest of my family and was puking uncontrollably into the wee hours of the morning." While Esser acknowledges that in the past, Spanky's uncontrollable puking into the wee hours was almost always alcohol-induced, the lapse is nonetheless unsettling. "I was really in hardcore Scalpel mode all through the holidays, caring for my sick child and pregnant wife, beginning work on my daughter's new bedroom as we move her from the nursery to make way for its forthcoming new occupant, cooking meals like nobody's business. Then bam, laid out like a damp sock. But I'm back now, and keener than ever." Esser is no doubt referring to his recent discovery of a previously undemonstrated propensity towards light home handywork. "I'm not saying I'm good at it, I'm just saying that I'm making it happen. Painting, spackling, hammer and nail stuff too. I assembled and mounted these neat curtain-rod-shelf things, and they haven't fallen apart yet, and they look pretty damn good too." Now that the room is just about done, the Scalpel is ready to move on to other projects. "Looks like I got to get me a varmint," he claims. "This ain't no Skuntry Squirrel, nor even a distant relative. Knocking over Pops Farrar's hat just isn't Skuntry, period." Plans for removing the squirrel from the museum will likely be carried out on Feb. 6, prior to a Centro-matic show in Brooklyn which the Scalpel hopes to attend with King. "I'm not so sure how it'll be done yet," Esser says. "Killing or maiming him isn't my thing. Hopefully I can convince him to vacate with a no-nonsense monologue, or maybe scatter a few peanuts outside. Or maybe banging around inside the shack a bit will spook him." While admitting that actual carpentry is certainly not a skill he possesses, the Scalpel does allow that he's become confident enough with Plastic Wood and an electric sander to at least assess what stop-gap measures might be possible to prevent the critter's re-entry, assuming an exit can be effected. "Maybe a piece of plywood and some screws will do the trick for now -- we'll have to see." Referring to Mark Walter, a carpenter by trade who could not be reached for comment, Esser noted, "I may need to let the pro come down and do the real fixing. After all, I'm just the Scalpel. Somebody else may have to do the stitching up."
In day two of the stand-off with Skuntry Squirrel II: the Marauder, Skuntry expeditionary forces staged their first encounter with the intruder, who has taken up unwelcome residence in the Skuntry Shack and Museum, and the first exhibits were evacuated in anticipation of what promises to be a slow eviction of the bushy-tailed rodent. "First of all, we are confirming as of today that the Marauder seems to be acting in isolation," said Chris King, commander of the Skuntry expeditionary forces that staged the raid. "When we flushed him by opening the door of the museum, he fled alone behind the big bookshelf, and then when -- after a period of nonviolent pleading -- we flushed him again by sweeping the rake behind the bookshelf, he fled -- again alone -- behind the little bookshelf. He had a better hiding place there, and that's where I keep my favorite (verseball) books, so we were unable to dislodge him without possibly damaging valuable museum properties." That was when, keeping the covert squirrel covered with a rake, the Skuntry forces evacuated the first box of museum exhibits, containing an old Pops Farrar fishing hat, a license plate from the Birthplace, a pair of spoons once clacked by Fred Friction and an out-of-print Eleanor Roosevelt 7". "We are emphasizing that, while he has the run of the place, and is treating it like a grouchy adolescent keeps his room, not to mention chewing up the window sills, at this time we have confirmed no destruction of any Skuntry properties and have not even sighted any droppings, though it might be hard to distinguish droppings from crumbs of the tamped asphalt we got from Princeton to honor 'Tamp the Fucking Driveway, Richie!'" In response to accusations that Skuntry forces acted today with a velvet glove, and that an escalation of force is needed, King said, "If we go to kill, we better get him on the first strike. Remember, he has all day to think about his next move when I walk in that door. And until the roof is repaired, let's face it, we're vulnerable. Shit, I can't even say I am going to smoke him out of his hole because when I left him, his hole was BEHIND MY FAVORITE BOOKS!"
It was a dramatic morning at the Skuntry Shack and Museum, site of a continuing stand-off between Skuntry expeditionary forces and what was thought to be one lone squirrel, known as the Marauder, holed up inside the museum. Skuntry forces went into the museum this morning at about 7:50 a.m. in those crucial minutes after the percolater just starts to boil and has been turned down to simmer, setting a 15-minute schedule for the operation. Forces were gloved and armed with two empty boxes to evacuate exhibits, as well as the plastic rake that is emerging as the definitive weapon in this confict. Upon entry, the forces were surprised to find no movement in the museum. The perimeter was searched. And then, they found him, the Marauder, belly-down near the far wall of the museum, evidently dead, part of a mysterious Skuntry tableaux. "There was no blood and no abrasions on the coat of the Marauder," said Chris King, captain of the Skuntry expeditionary forces, "which suggests death by natural causes. But there was astonishing evidence at the crime scene suggesting that the Spirit of Skuntry was instrumental in his death."
After the corpse was removed from the scene, the anti-Skuntry evil of this bandit was laid bare by the other artifacts that he had disrespectfully knocked to the floor of the museum: a guide to beers, an image of Nymah Kumah, a Whiffle Ball, a reprint of Poor Richard's Almanac. And, most fatefully for the extra-skuntry world was evidence that the Marauder shared some values, and perhaps terrorist training, with the Taliban.
Then, while skuntry expeditionary forces were removing verseball books from the little bookshelf, formerly the lair of the Marauder, terror struck in the form of a little, gray, plainly alive face. "The Marauder had not been acting alone after all," King said, shaking his head. "He had a little damn gangster moll shacked up with him."
"All I can say is, those were not ringleader eyes," King said. "We are confident that the Spirit of Skuntry has slain the Marauder, and left behind one gray little widow, weeping on her -- damn it, on MY -- copy of Poe. Still, we baited a Have a Heart Trap with some blueberries and left it in the museum. After she cries her little heart out, she'll get hungry. Those berries will look good. And, hopefully, she'll spend the night in a cold cage instead of a bower of my poetry books."
The small gray widow had been bloodlesly snared in a Have a Heart Trap placed inside the museum last night with blueberries as bait. She was transported in the cage via a 2002 test-drive Audi SUV while listening to skuntry worktapes, and released near a baseball diamond. "I wanted her to squirm," said Chris King, captain of the Skuntry expeditionary forces, who drove the SUV. "This animal had flagrantly disrespected Skuntry, and there is no harsher dose of Skuntry to punish her with than a worktape. And let me tell you, she squirmed in that cage while I sang Orhan Veli poems over Matt and Lij's guitar tape. I am pretty sure she thought it was her last ride. Literally, it scared the shit out of her -- I had to sweep one little hard gray pellet out of the back of the SUV." There seems to be a point in dumping her at a baseball diamond -- in the park where King's barehanded baseball team will play its home games this summer, no less -- given that the squirrels had also disrespected the museum's collection of baseball books. "We are confirming a squirrel-free museum as of this morning," King said, "but remember that the infrastructure of ceiling caves and tunnels remains, and until they are stoppered, we are vulnerable to any squirrel in the village." Asked if the squirrels had left any damage besides the previously reported gnaw marks, King said, "Suffice it to say that the SUV wasn't the only place they left their little pellets behind. And then there are the psychological scars. I assure you that squirrel scampered away, healthy as could be, but when you have taken a caged animal for a long ride, the stench of the exectioner hangs about you."
Trustee in charge of physical plant on site. Squirrel situation neutralized. Third operative discovered dead in nest. Nest removed and squirrel access to museum blocked. Half of roof reworked at night by flashlight. Squirrel standoff considered concluded. Over and out. 
 Last Modified: Feb 2, 2003 at 11:56PM (EST) |
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Until the pictures are developed and posted at skuntry.com, description will have to do: the carcass of the Marauder was flanked by a rusty hatchet, a Jesus candle, a pair of Fred Friction spoons, a stuffed skunk doll (lying behind the corpse, as if having brained and possibly tortured the Marauder with the hatchet and spoons) and -- the most fateful clue -- a Polaroid of Matt Fuller, the Invisible Hand, face-down near the squirrel's lifeless head.
"On the one hand, yes, the Marauder probably knocked down the Polaroid of the Hand, which is part and parcel of his disrespect for Skuntry, which paved the way for his demise. On the other hand, a Polaroid of the Invisible Hand, the secret but ineluctable guide of all Skuntry fate, lying face down at a scene like this has the unmistakable scent of an assassin's calling card."
"How did the world first hear of the Taliban?" King asked. "They knocked down the giant Buddhas. And what did that damn Marauder leave bald-head-down on the museum floor? The marble Buddha that Charu brought me from Indian 15 years ago."
As forces continued to remove books, the surviving squirrel was gradually exposed and finally photographed, peeping from being The Collected Tales of Edgar Allen Poe.
The stand-off between marauding squirrels and Skuntry expeditionary forces at the Skutry Shack and Museum
reached an apparent non-violent end this morning when the gangster moll of the deceased Marauder squirel was peaceably released in Crocheron Park overlooking Long Island Sound.